There’s a side of chips to come, yeah?

I’ve always thought people who work in health food shops look unhappy. I’ve never yet been served by one who smiled back at me or didn’t look like all they needed was a decent meal to cheer them up. I guess being in a perpetual state of hunger will do that to you. I’m starting to know how they feel.

It seems counter intuitive that now we live somewhere where we have no friends to impress with taught, trim and terrific bodies, we are actually doing something about getting fitter, or at least slimmer. Maybe it’s the lack of dinner parties and eating breakfast at a café every weekend that’s making it all possible. At any rate, Gretta is determined to lose weight and that means by default, I am too.

I’m told I don’t have to diet if I don’t want to. But that’s right up there with answering yes to the question ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ It doesn’t help that diet wise I’m public enemy number one. From my position slobbed on the couch I only have to say the magic words ‘I should probably go for a run’ and the weight allegedly just drops off me. If only it were so.

At least I didn’t end up on a diet by stealth program. Not that you could miss these six indicators that your eating habits have been changed:

  1. The big creamy chocolate milkshake you treat yourself to on days when the temperature hits 40˚C morphs into a fruit and almond milk smoothie.
  2. The home-made Jamie Oliver pizza base you normally get has been replaced by a low carb, flour and yeast free flat bread made of ground flax seed. It looks like carboard, feels like cardboard and no amount of topping can disguise the fact that it tastes like cardboard.
  3. Chicken bun night has become chicken Caesar salad, sans croutons, night. It was one thing to lose late night trading and the accompanying coffee because that doesn’t exist in the bush. But to take away the soft white bun and wedge of brie cheese that used to come home on a Thursday with a Coles roast chook is adding insult to injury. The only positive is the inclusion of bacon to the salad.
  4. Being polite about who gets the last morsel of food on a shared plate is a thing of the past. When carbs are in short supply you want every calorie you can get. Penelope Cruz could be your dinner date it wouldn’t matter. If she’s too slow to get to that last bit of low fat, low taste desert then that’s her loss.
  5. You have a secret stash of contraband goodies. Buried deep in the back of the food cupboard are the little tit bits that help get you through the day. You used to feel guilty about them, but not anymore.
  6. Maccas never tasted so good.